positions positions 18:2 Fall 2010 516 people have developed the language "to expose"to describe the situation where one's HIV status is disclosed to other people,either to family members, friends,colleagues,or to public media,either voluntarily or under duress.In contrast,public health and media discourse use "to come out"to describe the same situation.These differential language usages are significant because they represent positive or negative experiences behind the disclosure. To Come Out or to Be Pushed Out Fan Gao is a young man from Daytop,a detox center located in Kunming, the capital city of Yunnan province.Due to severe drug use in the province, the government set up many compulsory detox centers run by police.Day- top is different;it is a copy of the American model,a voluntary center run by former drug users. I first learned Fan's story at an AIDS meeting from a detox center staff member,Mr.Yu,who told me that Fan,who had trained as a painter at a university,disclosed his HIV-positive status in his home town and his father threw him out of the house.Fan had just been transferred from a police detox center to Daytop.Later,the Daytop staff told me that in Daytop there were many people infected with HIV,but Fan was the only one who had disclosed his HIV status.I told Yu about my research and he agreed to introduce me to Fan.I went to Daytop in November,2003 and stayed for a few days as an inmate;interacted with the residents,all of whom are ex-drug users there for detoxification;and interviewed Fan. Daytop occupies a five-story building located in the city center.People come to Daytop voluntarily.They pay three thousand yuan for the first month and reduced fees thereafter.Those who live there for a number of years are allowed to work as staff,receiving subsidies instead of salaries.All the staff at Daytop-doctors,nurses,managers,the chef,and porters-are former drug users,except for the director of the center,who is designated by the government. When I arrived at Daytop,Yu asked another staff member to take me to the residency area,located on the third through fifth floors.The entrance is strictly guarded.I was asked to leave all my personal belongings at the reception desk and then the iron gate was locked behind me.I became an Published by Duke University Press
positions 18:2 Fall 2010 516 people have developed the language “to expose” to describe the situation where one’s HIV status is disclosed to other people, either to family members, friends, colleagues, or to public media, either voluntarily or under duress. In contrast, public health and media discourse use “to come out” to describe the same situation. These differential language usages are significant because they represent positive or negative experiences behind the disclosure. To Come Out or to Be Pushed Out Fan Gao is a young man from Daytop, a detox center located in Kunming, the capital city of Yunnan province. Due to severe drug use in the province, the government set up many compulsory detox centers run by police. Daytop is different; it is a copy of the American model, a voluntary center run by former drug users. I first learned Fan’s story at an AIDS meeting from a detox center staff member, Mr. Yu, who told me that Fan, who had trained as a painter at a university, disclosed his HIV-positive status in his home town and his father threw him out of the house. Fan had just been transferred from a police detox center to Daytop. Later, the Daytop staff told me that in Daytop there were many people infected with HIV, but Fan was the only one who had disclosed his HIV status. I told Yu about my research and he agreed to introduce me to Fan. I went to Daytop in November, 2003 and stayed for a few days as an inmate; interacted with the residents, all of whom are ex-drug users there for detoxification; and interviewed Fan. Daytop occupies a five-story building located in the city center. People come to Daytop voluntarily. They pay three thousand yuan for the first month and reduced fees thereafter. Those who live there for a number of years are allowed to work as staff, receiving subsidies instead of salaries. All the staff at Daytop—doctors, nurses, managers, the chef, and porters—are former drug users, except for the director of the center, who is designated by the government. When I arrived at Daytop, Yu asked another staff member to take me to the residency area, located on the third through fifth floors. The entrance is strictly guarded. I was asked to leave all my personal belongings at the reception desk and then the iron gate was locked behind me. I became an positions Published by Duke University Press
positions He and Rofel I Living with HIV/AIDS in China 517 inmate of Daytop.A staff member introduced the rules and led me to a dormitory I would share with two women.I engaged in all the activities in which residents were engaged.The first person to speak to me was a young man who asked:"Do you think that we could really stop using drugs?" At that first moment I thought I could pass myself off as an ex-drug user. That imagination was soon shattered.Another young man chatted with me,asking why I was here.I responded,"Don't I look like everyone here?" He replied immediately,"Certainly not.You are fat,red faced,and old." Indeed when I looked at the residents,people were much younger,paler, and thinner.So I thought I had better"come out"as a researcher and stop pretending to be an inmate. It was arranged that I would sit with four young men at a dinner table. They were all in their early twenties,except one man who looked to be in his thirties.He turned out to be Fan Gao,as I learnt when we introduced ourselves at the table.During the next days I spent most of my time chatting with Fan.I told him about my research and he accepted my request for an interview.He told me his journey of"coming out": The first time I came out(shanchulai)was through the Center for Dis- ease Control(CDC).They needed this kind of person to show how much work they have done.They persuaded me.At the time,I thought,I am dying anyway;it's better to do something practical,something good,and to encourage other people....In the CDC,there was a doctor,Dr.Chen, he showed me these propaganda materials,and began to persuade me, telling me "don't be afraid,even though this disease cannot be cured, it is controllable.Keep healthy,maintain good nutrition,and don't take drugs."This knowledge is from him.So,later,he supported me and told me "be brave and come out!"Ha,ha,that was encouraging....I began to give speeches at schools,CDCs,and detox centers in the county. From Fan's account,it is clear that to come out was not his initiative.Nei- ther was it his language.Rather,it was the doctor's initiative and language, who used these positive terms"to come out"and "to be brave"to persuade Fan to disclose his HIV status to the public.Fan might have foreseen certain consequences of the disclosure,but he may not have even been prepared to live long enough to see the consequences.Fan quickly began to experience Published by Duke University Press
He and Rofel ❘ Living with HIV/AIDS in China 517 inmate of Daytop. A staff member introduced the rules and led me to a dormitory I would share with two women. I engaged in all the activities in which residents were engaged. The first person to speak to me was a young man who asked: “Do you think that we could really stop using drugs?” At that first moment I thought I could pass myself off as an ex-drug user. That imagination was soon shattered. Another young man chatted with me, asking why I was here. I responded, “Don’t I look like everyone here?” He replied immediately, “Certainly not. You are fat, red faced, and old.” Indeed when I looked at the residents, people were much younger, paler, and thinner. So I thought I had better “come out” as a researcher and stop pretending to be an inmate. It was arranged that I would sit with four young men at a dinner table. They were all in their early twenties, except one man who looked to be in his thirties. He turned out to be Fan Gao, as I learnt when we introduced ourselves at the table. During the next days I spent most of my time chatting with Fan. I told him about my research and he accepted my request for an interview. He told me his journey of “coming out”: The first time I came out (zhanchulai) was through the Center for Disease Control (CDC). They needed this kind of person to show how much work they have done. They persuaded me. At the time, I thought, I am dying anyway; it’s better to do something practical, something good, and to encourage other people. . . . In the CDC, there was a doctor, Dr. Chen, he showed me these propaganda materials, and began to persuade me, telling me “don’t be afraid, even though this disease cannot be cured, it is controllable. Keep healthy, maintain good nutrition, and don’t take drugs.” This knowledge is from him. So, later, he supported me and told me “be brave and come out!” Ha, ha, that was encouraging. . . . I began to give speeches at schools, CDCs, and detox centers in the county. From Fan’s account, it is clear that to come out was not his initiative. Neither was it his language. Rather, it was the doctor’s initiative and language, who used these positive terms “to come out” and “to be brave” to persuade Fan to disclose his HIV status to the public. Fan might have foreseen certain consequences of the disclosure, but he may not have even been prepared to live long enough to see the consequences. Fan quickly began to experience positions Published by Duke University Press
positions positions 18:2 Fall 2010 518 the hardship of disclosure.His language subsequently changed:"Step by step,I went out of my county.They used (liyong)me to go to other counties and districts to give speeches and to do social propaganda.I was pushed out (tuichulai).” Replacing the idiom of to come out with to use and to be pushed out,Fan changed his language usage,reflecting what he had suffered as a result of disclosure:extreme family rejection,being kicked out of his home,loss of a place to live,loss of social support,and lonely abandonment.Fan could not feel the positive meaning of the idioms to be brave and to come out.Rather the negative connotations of to be used and to be pushed out more accurately capture his experiences.Nonetheless,the process of disclosure continued for Fan,for his speeches were made into VCDs.He began to feel controlled by this process of disclosure.Accordingly,his use of terms changed: My identity was exposed through providing VCDs to schools,govern- ment offices,organizations....these VCDs were sent everywhere,even worldwide.The Nanjing TV station has the copyright with the copyright number and everything.They send it all over the place as a health edu- cation program.Later on I could not accept the reality of it....I felt I could not bear it.I think anyone in my position would not bear it.There was no way for me to survive.My family and close relatives were unable to accept it. To be used and to push out were replaced by to be exposed (baolou)."Baolou" means to expose or unmask,with related definitions of bringing out the "true story,"with the connotation of divulging an identity to public notice or revealing a problem.2 All the various meanings of to expose have nega- tive connotations.To expose implicitly means to cause survival problems. Indeed,Fan experienced extreme family rejection.He felt his life was at an impasse: Of course,because of this I suffered a lot and was harassed a lot... including by my father.When I went back to my father's house,he did not talk to me,nor dare to stay around me.He threw me out of the house. So did my sister and brother in-law...It was my sister who called [the policel and asked them to arrest me.Ha,ha,ha...She disliked me. Published by Duke University Press
positions 18:2 Fall 2010 518 the hardship of disclosure. His language subsequently changed: “Step by step, I went out of my county. They used (liyong) me to go to other counties and districts to give speeches and to do social propaganda. I was pushed out (tuichulai).” Replacing the idiom of to come out with to use and to be pushed out, Fan changed his language usage, reflecting what he had suffered as a result of disclosure: extreme family rejection, being kicked out of his home, loss of a place to live, loss of social support, and lonely abandonment. Fan could not feel the positive meaning of the idioms to be brave and to come out. Rather the negative connotations of to be used and to be pushed out more accurately capture his experiences. Nonetheless, the process of disclosure continued for Fan, for his speeches were made into VCDs. He began to feel controlled by this process of disclosure. Accordingly, his use of terms changed: My identity was exposed through providing VCDs to schools, government offices, organizations. . . . these VCDs were sent everywhere, even worldwide. The Nanjing TV station has the copyright with the copyright number and everything. They send it all over the place as a health education program. Later on I could not accept the reality of it. . . . I felt I could not bear it. I think anyone in my position would not bear it. There was no way for me to survive. My family and close relatives were unable to accept it. To be used and to push out were replaced by to be exposed (baolou). “Baolou” means to expose or unmask, with related definitions of bringing out the “true story,” with the connotation of divulging an identity to public notice or revealing a problem.12 All the various meanings of to expose have negative connotations. To expose implicitly means to cause survival problems. Indeed, Fan experienced extreme family rejection. He felt his life was at an impasse: Of course, because of this I suffered a lot and was harassed a lot . . . including by my father. When I went back to my father’s house, he did not talk to me, nor dare to stay around me. He threw me out of the house. So did my sister and brother in-law . . . It was my sister who called [the police] and asked them to arrest me. Ha, ha, ha . . . She disliked me. positions Published by Duke University Press
positions He and Rofel I Living with HIV/AIDS in China 519 Of course taking drugs should be disliked,it should not be welcomed. But I could only turn to drugs to solve my own problem,to escape from reality...My mother also moved out of the city in order to avoid me. Of course I broke her heart before this,but she also could not accept my reality...not that I am sick,just that I am infected. His family actually could put up with him when he was a drug user,but would not accept him when he was exposed as HIV-positive. To Come Out or to Be Exposed Fan was not the only one who used the idiom of to be exposed to describe his disclosure and to reflect the negative meanings of it.Many of my infor- mants used the term to be exposed to illustrate what happened in their pro- cess of disclosure.Du Lin and Chun Tao were from Xinjiang and Sichuan provinces,respectively.They used exactly the same term,to be exposed,to describe the disclosure process. I met Du and Chun at an AIDS meeting in Beijing.They understood my research and accepted my invitation to come to my flat for a focus group discussion in December 2002.I interviewed Du individually first and he used to be exposed to describe his experience of how he was informed of his HIV-positive test at home by a group of police,nurses,doctors,and health officials;how these people soon spread the news in his hometown that he was HIV-positive;how he and his family were suddenly isolated and he went into hiding for a few years;how he was harassed by the marriage- registration officials who refused to authorize the referencing letter and showed him the local newspaper report of his HIV-positive case;and how a clinic doctor spoke loudly about his HIV status while many other patients were sitting around.Du called these people"the gang who exposed me." The health professionals,police,nurses,doctors,local authority,and media became a gang,because they exposed Du's HIV-positive status.By using the term "gang,"Du implicitly invoked the history of the"Gang of Four,"who were charged with bringing the political chaos of the Cultural Revolution.He also implied the long history of brigands popularized in classic novels.From Du's explanation,to expose or to be exposed means to Published by Duke University Press
He and Rofel ❘ Living with HIV/AIDS in China 519 Of course taking drugs should be disliked, it should not be welcomed. But I could only turn to drugs to solve my own problem, to escape from reality . . . My mother also moved out of the city in order to avoid me. Of course I broke her heart before this, but she also could not accept my reality . . . not that I am sick, just that I am infected. His family actually could put up with him when he was a drug user, but would not accept him when he was exposed as HIV-positive. To Come Out or to Be Exposed Fan was not the only one who used the idiom of to be exposed to describe his disclosure and to reflect the negative meanings of it. Many of my informants used the term to be exposed to illustrate what happened in their process of disclosure. Du Lin and Chun Tao were from Xinjiang and Sichuan provinces, respectively. They used exactly the same term, to be exposed, to describe the disclosure process. I met Du and Chun at an AIDS meeting in Beijing. They understood my research and accepted my invitation to come to my flat for a focus group discussion in December 2002. I interviewed Du individually first and he used to be exposed to describe his experience of how he was informed of his HIV-positive test at home by a group of police, nurses, doctors, and health officials; how these people soon spread the news in his hometown that he was HIV-positive; how he and his family were suddenly isolated and he went into hiding for a few years; how he was harassed by the marriageregistration officials who refused to authorize the referencing letter and showed him the local newspaper report of his HIV-positive case; and how a clinic doctor spoke loudly about his HIV status while many other patients were sitting around. Du called these people “the gang who exposed me.” The health professionals, police, nurses, doctors, local authority, and media became a gang, because they exposed Du’s HIV-positive status. By using the term “gang,” Du implicitly invoked the history of the “Gang of Four,” who were charged with bringing the political chaos of the Cultural Revolution. He also implied the long history of brigands popularized in classic novels. From Du’s explanation, to expose or to be exposed means to positions Published by Duke University Press